Posted on

My Fear of an “Adult” Relationship in Hindsight

This is another one I’m bringing over from my old blog!

In hindsight, it seems a little silly the extent to which I worried about being in an ‘adult relationship.” I say adult relationship, because I’d only had two boyfriends – both in high school when I was 14 and 15. My best friend and cousin both told me that adult relationships were not really any different than high school ones. And, I suppose, in a way they were right. Being in a relationship at twenty is much the same as being in a relationship at 14.

But…there is a lot that is different as well. It’s hard to explain, really. Maybe because I’m more mature now. Or perhaps because I have been hurt. The other two, emotionally, weren’t really suited as boyfriends, and one only lasted for three weeks because he ended back with his cheating ex. But this current relationship I’m in is different, and I’m still scared. Though not as much as I once was. Now, though, I do see how boyfriends are supposed to be.

It’s crazy how one’s perception of relationships changes over time. At fourteen, you’re pining for acceptance and you think you fall in love. You think he’s the one. You think he’s going to be there forever. So you dress up more than you should, and you hope he’ll show you off. Perhaps it was because my first boyfriend was a senior and I was a freshman. But he was never like that. Never really sweet or caring or willing to show me to his friends. So you think you fall in love, and you ache and your hurt when he leaves you to go to college and you swear you’ll never love again.

However, at fifteen, you try again. Though you’re still the same. Hoping for some – whirlwind romance. Hoping that your romance novel has finally begun. But he has a girlfriend and you swear to yourself you’re going to wait to go out with him after they break up. But you lie to yourself, saying ‘yes’ at first chance. Three weeks passes. You fear his ex-girlfriend is going to beat you up in gym class, like in the movies. But her and her band of ghetto skanks just glare you down from afar. In the end, it doesn’t even hurt as much. Of course – you knew it was coming.

At fifteen, your ideals of relationships are the same as fourteen. Even if you are a different person, as was my case. I hoped, after, that maybe I’d get another boyfriend and stay with him for the rest of my life. But none looked my way, and were all too immature for me anyway. I do applaud the lucky few who are still happy with their high school sweet hearts. But my best friend thought she was going to be with hers forever, but wasn’t.

Time passes and you learn through others, and your own common sense, what makes a good relationship. Though, having never experienced it – it’s scary to think about the future with another person. And, though it isn’t constant, does weigh on you. For a good while, I thought I was doomed to be alone. But that’s a ridiculous notion. I believe everybody has somebody, if they look hard enough. Even the seemingly unloveable can be loved with time.

I suppose that now that’s the reason why my initial fear seems so silly. Relationships, no matter the age, are all about feeling. About communication. They’re about finding the person who you find solace and bliss in. The person who carries you home, when you didn’t know you needed one in the first place. I don’t know when I realized that; before or after. But it’s what I’ve discovered, after ten and a half months. Hell – I discovered that way earlier now.

When everything around him just – felt right. Like the universe was finally how it was supposed to be. When I could lie in his arms, and want the moment forever frozen. The biggest difference, between now and the puppy love of my teenage years though, is realizing that the person is not perfect and you’re willing to accept that. You’re willing to shoulder their baggage, and work through their problems. It isn’t about just being together anymore, it’s about learning each other. It isn’t because of sex or anything physical (although it is nice), but about being about to mentally connect.

That is the difference I found. At fourteen, I didn’t know anything about hurting or loving or loving so much it hurts. I didn’t know that at fifteen either. Now, however, at twenty, I do. I know that love in is chasing each other around the kitchen island, or him dragging me across the floor when we’re being silly. It’s movie nights in, even when his bitch of a mom is home, or nights out with his friends because they actually like you. Now, I see love in so many little things; helping me fold my clothes, playing video games, helping decorate for Christmas, carpooling to school, trying to take care of me while I’m sick. That is what I’ve found love to be.

It seems so – wrong and silly now that I was scared of it all once. But love and forever is a scary thing. I have intrusive thoughts, now that we’re serious, but at the end of the day I know that I love him and want a future. My mom said everybody is like that. Once it gets serious and you start looking far ahead. That is when you live and love in the moment, and I’m happier that way.

But you know what got me?

My best friend is the biggest hopeless romantic in the world. And she’s almost always had a boyfriend. The one she’s with, they seem a good couple and I admired them. Past tense. They’re still together, but it was what she said to me when I asked how she knew she was in love that made my admiration go away.

She told me it was all about them having the similar goals for the future.

She said nada about feeling, and that is nothing like what I was expecting. She’s an extremely emotional person, as well. So the fact that I didn’t get a big spiel about how she knew or how she felt – well – I was kind of disappointed, to say the least. I was figuring out my own feelings at the time, so I was still completely lost.

knew when I was finally in love with him. We were in North Carolina, because we were seeing away my best friend’s boyfriend. He and I were out and we talked about anything and everything. It was all so magical. And then, suddenly, it was just like – a big, erupting, melt-y ball of warmth in my chest. And I knew that I’d finally fallen in love with him. In North Carolina, that is when he became my home. When I knew I definitely wanted for the rest of my life. It was – amazing and magical and just, indescribable really. My best friend didn’t seemed thrilled when I told her.

But that’s a whole other story.

You know how my mom says you can tell if you’re really in love?

Picture your person – picture marrying them, picture having a life with them and then…

Picture them dead.

How does it make you feel?

It feels, to me, like you’ve just ripped my still beating heart out. I don’t want to live a life without him. Or anybody I love. I’ve lost two people already, and don’t wish to go through that again any time soon.

Anyway, in hindsight, worrying was silly. Especially because I ended up with someone who’s a lot like me in the all the right ways. But we’re the right amount of different. We went to high school together, and we were so close to meeting so many times from I’ve come to understand. And as much as I’d like to think we’d be together now if we’d met then, I know we wouldn’t be. Back then, we weren’t who the other needed yet. We met when we needed each other most, and neither of us are planning on going anywhere.

So I guess, really, try not to sweat relationships in the future. Know what you need and what you like. And know that love is more than sex, and not just ‘being compatible.” There’s so much more, and the right person will come when you really need them.

And these are my thoughts, in hindsight.

Thanks for Reading!

– Amber

Please follow and like us:

Leave a Reply